Maybe it’s the assignments that I’ve been having to do in my English class. Maybe it’s the insight from a new friend. Whichever, I’ve found myself perhaps a bit more introspective lately. Questioning the origins of things, perspectives, and conclusions.
I like to be able to look back on my life and feel no regret toward situations. Granted, there were a couple situations with a few lovers that I could have handled better than I did, but on the whole, I think I’d do it all over again. I feel that even if things ended badly with someone, the good time spent was worth having the experience. Of course if things could always work out between people, then that would be ideal, but there are two people, two vantage points, two perspectives, two people afraid of being vulnerable, two sets of vocal chords, two people hurting themselves. I’d like to think I’m getting better with this thing called communication. I’m getting better with knowing what I want, what I don’t want, and what I’m willing or not willing to put up with in my life. I’m feeling less like I have to compromise myself for other people.
I overheard a conversation last night between a couple people in the art lab. They were talking about how as an artist, you have to build a system of support around you and your art. There’s no point in fraternizing with people that are against who you are and what you’re trying to do. You end up feeling like you constantly have to prove yourself to them, and that’s not who you have to prove yourself to at all. You find your niche, surround yourself with people who will support you as a person and as an artist, then do your thing. Who wants a bunch of negativity and naysayers around? Certainly not any sane person. I mean, yes, there are times when it’s good to have the devil’s advocate saying, ‘Okay, so you want to weld a cage around yourself and see how long you can last in there..?’ A voice of reason is necessary. Those people that you’ve surrounded yourself with should be able to do that though. They have the outside perspective. They should be able to step back from everything and say, ‘Whoa, I think that might be too much. Here’s why I think that.’ And they can be wrong, but don’t assume they are just because they’re questioning what you’re doing. Feedback is essential. Constructive criticism is essential. While you don’t want a bunch of naysayers, you also don’t want a bunch of Yes Men sitting around telling you your poop doesn’t stink and that it’s fabulous. Balance. You want to find balance.
My professor let us know that we need to have a journal to turn in at the end of the semester. It should show the process, our process, the inner workings of our Mind. I think that’s scary, but whatever. Not really. I started writing notes in a spiral bound, but realized that my drawings would all have lines through them. So then I moved to one of my sketchbooks that I hadn’t used in a while and that wasn’t full. Then realized that I’d have to turn this thing in, and I don’t know that he’d understand why I have a bunch of Korean comic strips and news clippings pasted into one side of it, so I thought of a third option. I had to drop off some stuff at my storage unit the other day and while in there noticed the big pile of computer paper that I’m not using, and haven’t used for as long as I can remember. I grabbed a half-used stack and threw that into my truck. Continuing the load things into the unit, I noticed that under that paper I’d just grabbed was a box of ‘business paper.’ Fancy shmancy! I grabbed that box, threw it into my truck, then put the other paper back in the unit. ‘Loose leaf paper?’ you ask. No, dear readers. I’m going to make a journal. Book bindery has interested me for some time now. I haven’t ever gotten into the Japanese styles or bindings with string/thread/etc., but I did play with the gluing style for a while a couple years ago. Sooo.. I figure with all the boxes I have in my room that are pressed between things and up against the walls, I could cut one up, use it for a cover, then glue the pages in. It’s right about now you wonder how I have so much free time to think all these things up. I just do. I’ve been quite the recluse lately, which leads to projects in various stages of un/finished-ment. This one I’ve been working on little-by-little each night this week, so it’s got a good progression going so far. At this point I just need to glue the pages in to the cover. I think I’m going to cut up a spare pair of pants that was donated to me, but which are way too big, and use that material as the journal cover, then sew it through the cardboard. I think it’d be interesting. I’ll letcha know how it goes when/if it happens.
Totally random other topic. I don’t think that people are all that different from one another. Studying other people gives you insight to yourself. I heard once that people tend to dislike certain people because they see qualities in that person that they know are within themselves. I thought about that a long time ago. There was a girl that I wasn’t fond of, so I tried to pinpoint why it was I didn’t like her. Besides being painfully insecure, she was opinionated, kinda coarse, and a bit rude when it came to dealing with people. I laughed later about all this because I think that in a parallel dimension, given different circumstances upon our meeting, she and I might have been good friends. We’re similar. She’s just a bit more outspoken about her opinions than I am. Maybe a little more bitter. Now she’s even dating an ex of mine. Who didn’t see that coming? These days I question why I have issues with certain ladies in my life, the ones I see on an everyday level. One thing I came up with is that they’re moody. I see moodiness, when put upon other people, to be a weakness. Now, I am not above this weakness. Some of the close friends in my lifetime have been subjected to my psychotic mood swings. I don’t really display these things in a professional situation though, usually. The workplace is no place for your moody issues, and nobody should have to deal with it. When I get home, my cat deals with my moods, friends that I occasionally talk to hear my moods a little, but for the most part, I try to keep them to myself. It’s rare when I let everything like that show to someone. Though, they sometimes feel insulted for having to be the brunt of my moods unfortunately. We hurt the ones we love the most, right?
I’ve been listening to talk radio lately. I never thought I’d be one of those people. For the longest time I hated talk radio, mostly because I had to listen to it every night when I slept over at one of my boyfriend’s houses. He would be up late working on the computer or something that involved ignoring me, and I’d have to fall asleep listening to stupid conspiracy theories. I hated it. I realized lately that avoiding knowing what was going on in the world didn’t make me someone that was.. hmm.. above it? but really just made me ignorant. I stopped listening to the news back when I was in high school. Hearing all the horrible things that go on really hurt. It’s hard not to feel upset about people dying in wars, politicians lying about whatever, people in general just not doing right by their fellow man. For a long time I turned away, apathetic, not wanting to listen. I feel though that there is something to learn in all of it. I’m still trying to figure out what it is.
“I caught my stride. I flew and flied. I know if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind. But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to. And my eyes, they don’t see you no more. And my lips, they don’t kiss, They don’t kiss the way they used to, And my eyes don’t recognize you no more.
For reasons unknown.” [the killers]
You never really realize exactly what you’re thankful for until you’re without them.
(Mostly just because I said it is.)
I’m kidding. That kind of thing doesn’t need an implied reciprocation. I know part of Mark hates the idea that someone’s buying him something really nice, just like I’m somewhat embarrassed that he decided to buy me that camera. I think I’m just glad that I can actually afford to buy nice things for people I care about.